A bomb has just been dropped on me. You know how it is...you are skipping along life, thinking everything is great and perfect and then out of nowhere someone delivers a suspicious ticking package to your door and instead of calling the police you decide to open it and then...KABOOM.
I desperately want to be a strong person. The kind of person that no matter what happens, my first instinct is to turn to God for strength and grace. The kind of person who my friends will say, "Nothing ever gets her down!" The kind of person who truly believes it when people say things like, "Our greatest strength is not in never falling down, it's in falling down and getting back up."
Sometimes I think I am that person. Sometimes I have moments where when I am faced with something challenging and hurtful, what strength I have shines bright and beautiful and I make myself proud. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
Unfortunately, my first instinct was to be hurtful back to the person who hurt me. To run and hide and lick my wounds. I don't want to ask God for help. I don't want to be forgiving. I don't want to do the right thing. And you know what?...I still don't. I'm angry and hurt and angry some more. The only exception to this is that now I really do want God's help. God's help is the only way I am going to get through this.
Maybe eventually I will be that person that I want to be. But I'm just not there right now and I'm starting to think that's ok. You can't get anywhere until you know where you are starting from. And the best place to start is an honest place. Being able to come to God and say, "God, I am angry and hurt and I don't really feel like forgiving this person," might be the best thing I can do in this situation. He can't fix what isn't broken so admitting that I am broken right now is a great place to begin.
Maybe someday I will be that person I want to be but not right now and that's ok.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Adam and I have a game we like to play. It's called, "When we have money..." On a regular basis we talk and dream about what we will do and buy when we have money. Adam wants a Rolex watch. I want a boat with a cabin. We both want to travel.
I love my life. I honestly do. I feel so amazingly blessed to have such a wonderful man as my husband and to be blessed with 3 children, all of which are much better looking than either me or Adam. I have a nice place to live full of nice things. There's not much that we really need that God hasn't provided for us.
So why do I always feel like I need more? The funny thing is even as I am thinking about all the other things I would like to have, I am trying to figure out how much stuff I currently have that I can get rid of!
I am always envious of those people that, no matter what, seem to be completely content. When I closely examine myself, I know that I AM content. I mean, I would like to drop a few pounds and I wish my kids would listen better and wish that Chloe would be happier but when it comes down to it, I am truly and honestly happy. I wonder why, if this is true, I struggle with thankfulness?
I want to be one of those people who is simply thankful for everything they have. To be like Paul when he said that he has learned to be content in all things.
This is not a lesson that is learned very easily...especially when we live in a society that is obsessed with getting and having more. It doesn't even seem to matter what it is as long as we have more of it than the next person.
Part of this lesson that I am learning is that whatever attitude I project, my kids absorb. If I want them to be happy and thankful, then I have to teach them that...mostly by example.
I have so much to be thankful for! It's time that I start focusing on those things. Maybe Adam and I can even start a new game?
I love my life. I honestly do. I feel so amazingly blessed to have such a wonderful man as my husband and to be blessed with 3 children, all of which are much better looking than either me or Adam. I have a nice place to live full of nice things. There's not much that we really need that God hasn't provided for us.
So why do I always feel like I need more? The funny thing is even as I am thinking about all the other things I would like to have, I am trying to figure out how much stuff I currently have that I can get rid of!
I am always envious of those people that, no matter what, seem to be completely content. When I closely examine myself, I know that I AM content. I mean, I would like to drop a few pounds and I wish my kids would listen better and wish that Chloe would be happier but when it comes down to it, I am truly and honestly happy. I wonder why, if this is true, I struggle with thankfulness?
I want to be one of those people who is simply thankful for everything they have. To be like Paul when he said that he has learned to be content in all things.
This is not a lesson that is learned very easily...especially when we live in a society that is obsessed with getting and having more. It doesn't even seem to matter what it is as long as we have more of it than the next person.
Part of this lesson that I am learning is that whatever attitude I project, my kids absorb. If I want them to be happy and thankful, then I have to teach them that...mostly by example.
I have so much to be thankful for! It's time that I start focusing on those things. Maybe Adam and I can even start a new game?
Saturday, January 8, 2011
So Adam and I are still figuring out how to take all 3 of our kids out of the house without losing either our minds or one of them. This is not an easy thing to do. Without fail, it usually ends up with Nathan being punished, Trace falling asleep in the van, me wishing that I had remembered to bring an extra shirt for Chloe...and Trace...and myself, and Adam and I arguing about something that I am sure is not really worth arguing about.
I love my husband. I know it sounds all sappy and cliche but he truly is the one that I have waited for my whole life. There is no one else in this whole world that I would rather be partners with in this looney-bin they call parenthood. We have made such a great life together...we understand each other...we balance each other. That last part, even though it's wonderful, can also get a little tricky from time to time.
I am a go-with-the-flow, take-things-as-they-come kind of person. It is my professional opinion, as a stay-at-home-mom, that you absolutely have to be when you have 3 small kids. Adam, on the other hand, not so much. He tends to get stressed out about little things...especially when we are all out together. It doesn't help that whenever we go out, our children choose that exact moment to act like we keep them locked in their closets the rest of the time.
I know that he means well and he just wants our kids to be well-behaved. Unfortunately he hasn't quite figured out yet that the more stressed out HE is the more stressed out everyone else will be too. It makes everything 10 times more difficult when he is on edge.
Last night around 7:30 we were all packed in our van. We had just left the one place on the face of the earth that can make a person, without kids, need to go drinking...Wal-Mart. We had already run several errands and had a few more to go. By this time, all of the above mentioned things had taken place. Nathan was being punished. Trace was slumped over in his carseat...poor thing. Chloe had drenched herself in spit-up. Adam and I were arguing about his inabillity to relax when we are out in public. During all of this, it hit me like a ton of bricks...EMBRACE THE CRAZINESS!...gasp
That's right...embrace it. Why not? Craziness is not just a part of our lives, it IS our lives. What would be the point of fighting it? We do our best to keep our kids in check when we are out but they are KIDS...we can't control everything they do and everything that happens. If someone has a problem with us, they can come talk to me but until that happens, I am just going to be proud of my crazy life. So, I got bold and just looked at my dear, suffering husband and said, "Honey, if you are going to survive having 3 small kids, you are going to have to learn how to embrace the craziness."
I already know that I am never going to be one of those moms who has it all together. Most days I am simply doing what works. My kids are never going to be the kind who will simply hold my hand and walk next to me in the store. Why would my 5 year old simply hold my hand and walk next to me when he can pretend to be a race car instead? There is so much to gain when you relax and fully embrace the truth. And the truth is that I am now one of those parents that I used to look at and say, "Why can't they just control their children?"
I would much rather encourage my kids' imaginations and have them remember that I was happy and was able to have fun with them then try to make my life fit into someone else's box.
So, let me encourage all of you...embrace the craziness! Be proud of your crazy life! Who knows, you might even start to LIKE it?
I love my husband. I know it sounds all sappy and cliche but he truly is the one that I have waited for my whole life. There is no one else in this whole world that I would rather be partners with in this looney-bin they call parenthood. We have made such a great life together...we understand each other...we balance each other. That last part, even though it's wonderful, can also get a little tricky from time to time.
I am a go-with-the-flow, take-things-as-they-come kind of person. It is my professional opinion, as a stay-at-home-mom, that you absolutely have to be when you have 3 small kids. Adam, on the other hand, not so much. He tends to get stressed out about little things...especially when we are all out together. It doesn't help that whenever we go out, our children choose that exact moment to act like we keep them locked in their closets the rest of the time.
I know that he means well and he just wants our kids to be well-behaved. Unfortunately he hasn't quite figured out yet that the more stressed out HE is the more stressed out everyone else will be too. It makes everything 10 times more difficult when he is on edge.
Last night around 7:30 we were all packed in our van. We had just left the one place on the face of the earth that can make a person, without kids, need to go drinking...Wal-Mart. We had already run several errands and had a few more to go. By this time, all of the above mentioned things had taken place. Nathan was being punished. Trace was slumped over in his carseat...poor thing. Chloe had drenched herself in spit-up. Adam and I were arguing about his inabillity to relax when we are out in public. During all of this, it hit me like a ton of bricks...EMBRACE THE CRAZINESS!...gasp
That's right...embrace it. Why not? Craziness is not just a part of our lives, it IS our lives. What would be the point of fighting it? We do our best to keep our kids in check when we are out but they are KIDS...we can't control everything they do and everything that happens. If someone has a problem with us, they can come talk to me but until that happens, I am just going to be proud of my crazy life. So, I got bold and just looked at my dear, suffering husband and said, "Honey, if you are going to survive having 3 small kids, you are going to have to learn how to embrace the craziness."
I already know that I am never going to be one of those moms who has it all together. Most days I am simply doing what works. My kids are never going to be the kind who will simply hold my hand and walk next to me in the store. Why would my 5 year old simply hold my hand and walk next to me when he can pretend to be a race car instead? There is so much to gain when you relax and fully embrace the truth. And the truth is that I am now one of those parents that I used to look at and say, "Why can't they just control their children?"
I would much rather encourage my kids' imaginations and have them remember that I was happy and was able to have fun with them then try to make my life fit into someone else's box.
So, let me encourage all of you...embrace the craziness! Be proud of your crazy life! Who knows, you might even start to LIKE it?
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I'm not usually a big fan of the New Year's Resolution. Although I think it's a great idea, I find that I usually have to make my "New Year's Resolution" over and over again throughout the year. As i'm sure all of you understand...It's SO easy to get distracted. However, THIS year I am going to go ahead and make a few resolutions.
There are so many new things happening right now, that it only seems appropriate to make it a party and add a few more, so here goes...
1. Stop yelling at my kids - yes, i'm ashamed that I do this
2. Get organized - I'm tempted to laugh at myself just writing this but with 5 people living in a 2 bedroom apartment, this is no longer an option
3. Get my life back - and this is the one to talk about today.
I'm not sure when it happened...actually, I take that back, I know exactly when it happened. I was pregnant with Trace and had some complications that forced me to quit my job. For those of you who know me well, I am a very social person. I gain energy from the people around me. Once I started staying home, I began to feel the life draining out of me. To top it all off, after Trace was born I suffered from Post-Partum Depression.
Making the transition to being a stay-at-home mom was very difficult for me. I was depressed and resentful. It was so hurtful for me because, since I was a little girl all I ever wanted to do was be a stay-at-home mom. It was important for me that someone else wasn't raising my kids. I wanted them to remember that I was always there for them. BUT, I had no idea how hard it would be. I'm not sure why I did it, but I just gave in. Gave in and gave up. Gave up my dreams, my desires, my sense of being a woman. Well, NOT THIS YEAR. This year I will persue my dreams, give in to my desires and remember that I am a woman. A woman in love with her husband, a woman who needs time to herself, a woman whose gifts and talents go far beyond changing diapers and folding laundry. I AM going to go on dates with Adam. I AM going to invite people over for dinner. I AM going to go for walks with my kids (ack!). I AM going to finally start my business. I AM going to dust off my creative gifts and put them to good use! There is no better time than RIGHT NOW. There is NO reason not to. I am going to get MY life back!
There are so many new things happening right now, that it only seems appropriate to make it a party and add a few more, so here goes...
1. Stop yelling at my kids - yes, i'm ashamed that I do this
2. Get organized - I'm tempted to laugh at myself just writing this but with 5 people living in a 2 bedroom apartment, this is no longer an option
3. Get my life back - and this is the one to talk about today.
I'm not sure when it happened...actually, I take that back, I know exactly when it happened. I was pregnant with Trace and had some complications that forced me to quit my job. For those of you who know me well, I am a very social person. I gain energy from the people around me. Once I started staying home, I began to feel the life draining out of me. To top it all off, after Trace was born I suffered from Post-Partum Depression.
Making the transition to being a stay-at-home mom was very difficult for me. I was depressed and resentful. It was so hurtful for me because, since I was a little girl all I ever wanted to do was be a stay-at-home mom. It was important for me that someone else wasn't raising my kids. I wanted them to remember that I was always there for them. BUT, I had no idea how hard it would be. I'm not sure why I did it, but I just gave in. Gave in and gave up. Gave up my dreams, my desires, my sense of being a woman. Well, NOT THIS YEAR. This year I will persue my dreams, give in to my desires and remember that I am a woman. A woman in love with her husband, a woman who needs time to herself, a woman whose gifts and talents go far beyond changing diapers and folding laundry. I AM going to go on dates with Adam. I AM going to invite people over for dinner. I AM going to go for walks with my kids (ack!). I AM going to finally start my business. I AM going to dust off my creative gifts and put them to good use! There is no better time than RIGHT NOW. There is NO reason not to. I am going to get MY life back!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
"The hardest thing about being a parent is not learning how to care for someone else...it's learning how not to care so much about yourself." - Julius from "Everybody Hates Chris"
Even as I sit here and type this, my daughter is crying. What else is new? Chloe has severe acid reflux and colic...good times, people, good times. I love my new baby girl. I waited so long for her. I waited so long to buy all the pink frilly things and all the cute little outfits. However, since the day she was born, she has barely been happy. I feel bad but sometimes I just look at her and think to myself, "You're ruining this for me! You are supposed to be sweet and happy! It wasn't supposed to be this way!"
Yes, of course, I know it's selfish. And I do feel bad about it...regularly. I don't really blame her. The pediatrician assures me that this is not her personality, it's only her tummy talking. LORD, I HOPE SO.
During pregnancy, we dream about chubby-faced little angels that curl into us and sigh as they fall asleep. That sweet new baby smell. The first time they look at us and smile. Those dreams for me and Chloe have not yet come true. Instead, I find myself bargaining with God if He will only soothe her so she will fall asleep. It's not easy to hold and rock a baby to sleep when she is constantly arching her back to try to relieve the pain from the acid reflux. Most of the time, I try to avoid smelling her head because she spits up so much that she constantly smells like spit-up. She has started to smile every now and then so maybe these problems are on their way out?
In my defense, my reactions to her are not all selfish. I just want her to feel better. I want her to be happy, and not just because it's easier for me. I want to get to know her.
I guess this is a lesson in sacrifice. Sacrificing sleep, sanity and socializing (who wants a crying baby around?)...at least for awhile. And the funny thing about that is that when this is all over and she is happy and full of personality, I won't even remember how hard it was.
Until then, I guess I should go and pick her up and clean up yet another round of spit-up.
Even as I sit here and type this, my daughter is crying. What else is new? Chloe has severe acid reflux and colic...good times, people, good times. I love my new baby girl. I waited so long for her. I waited so long to buy all the pink frilly things and all the cute little outfits. However, since the day she was born, she has barely been happy. I feel bad but sometimes I just look at her and think to myself, "You're ruining this for me! You are supposed to be sweet and happy! It wasn't supposed to be this way!"
Yes, of course, I know it's selfish. And I do feel bad about it...regularly. I don't really blame her. The pediatrician assures me that this is not her personality, it's only her tummy talking. LORD, I HOPE SO.
During pregnancy, we dream about chubby-faced little angels that curl into us and sigh as they fall asleep. That sweet new baby smell. The first time they look at us and smile. Those dreams for me and Chloe have not yet come true. Instead, I find myself bargaining with God if He will only soothe her so she will fall asleep. It's not easy to hold and rock a baby to sleep when she is constantly arching her back to try to relieve the pain from the acid reflux. Most of the time, I try to avoid smelling her head because she spits up so much that she constantly smells like spit-up. She has started to smile every now and then so maybe these problems are on their way out?
In my defense, my reactions to her are not all selfish. I just want her to feel better. I want her to be happy, and not just because it's easier for me. I want to get to know her.
I guess this is a lesson in sacrifice. Sacrificing sleep, sanity and socializing (who wants a crying baby around?)...at least for awhile. And the funny thing about that is that when this is all over and she is happy and full of personality, I won't even remember how hard it was.
Until then, I guess I should go and pick her up and clean up yet another round of spit-up.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Ok, here's the beautiful ugly truth...
I'm not one of those moms who seems to flourish at home. You know the ones...those moms who look great in sweats and a ponytail, can clean their house, make a healthy satisfying dinner, run all the errands and never ever, even one time, seem to lose their cool. And they somehow do it without stains on their shirt or frizzy hair.
THAT'S NOT ME. My life is what could be acurately described as a beautiful mess. If I could make it through just one day without having to change my clothes OR my attitude I think I would probably lobby to make it a national holiday. I figure that out there, somewhere, are more moms just like me. The ones who struggle with mom clothes, bed-head and frozen pizzas for dinner. The ones who, even though it's not exactly what we thought it would be, have given everything we have to our families. The ones who have realized that just because we desperately NEED time away from our kids, it doesn't mean that we love them any less.
I am a 32 year old mom of 3. Two boys and a girl. Nathan, 5, Trace, 2, and Chloe, 2 months. I am very happily married to the best man I have ever met, Adam. Yes, I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm not one of those moms who seems to flourish at home. You know the ones...those moms who look great in sweats and a ponytail, can clean their house, make a healthy satisfying dinner, run all the errands and never ever, even one time, seem to lose their cool. And they somehow do it without stains on their shirt or frizzy hair.
THAT'S NOT ME. My life is what could be acurately described as a beautiful mess. If I could make it through just one day without having to change my clothes OR my attitude I think I would probably lobby to make it a national holiday. I figure that out there, somewhere, are more moms just like me. The ones who struggle with mom clothes, bed-head and frozen pizzas for dinner. The ones who, even though it's not exactly what we thought it would be, have given everything we have to our families. The ones who have realized that just because we desperately NEED time away from our kids, it doesn't mean that we love them any less.
I am a 32 year old mom of 3. Two boys and a girl. Nathan, 5, Trace, 2, and Chloe, 2 months. I am very happily married to the best man I have ever met, Adam. Yes, I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
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