A bomb has just been dropped on me.  You know how it is...you are skipping along life, thinking everything is great and perfect and then out of nowhere someone delivers a suspicious ticking package to your door and instead of calling the police you decide to open it and then...KABOOM. 
I desperately want to be a strong person.  The kind of person that no matter what happens, my first instinct is to turn to God for strength and grace.  The kind of person who my friends will say, "Nothing ever gets her down!"  The kind of person who truly believes it when people say things like, "Our greatest strength is not in never falling down, it's in falling down and getting back up."
Sometimes I think I am that person.  Sometimes I have moments where when I am faced with something challenging and hurtful, what strength I have shines bright and beautiful and I make myself proud.  THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES.
Unfortunately, my first instinct was to be hurtful back to the person who hurt me.  To run and hide and lick my wounds.  I don't want to ask God for help.  I don't want to be forgiving.  I don't want to do the right thing.  And you know what?...I still don't.  I'm angry and hurt and angry some more.  The only exception to this is that now I really do want God's help.  God's help is the only way I am going to get through this.
Maybe eventually I will be that person that I want to be.  But I'm just not there right now and I'm starting to think that's ok.  You can't get anywhere until you know where you are starting from.  And the best place to start is an honest place.  Being able to come to God and say, "God, I am angry and hurt and I don't really feel like forgiving this person," might be the best thing I can do in this situation.  He can't fix what isn't broken so admitting that I am broken right now is a great place to begin.
Maybe someday I will be that person I want to be but not right now and that's ok.